Passion or Pass On: Guilt

There have been a lot of changes in my life of late. One of the many is that my fiance has found something he is truly passionate about. I am thrilled. He has a focus that I haven't seen in him in a while. His eyes light up when he talks about the podcast he wants to embark on.

But then there is something else. 

Behind the unbridled joy intermingled with fear is something else. I didn't recognize it at first, but then it hit me like a lead weight to the face. Behind the complex brown eyes I have come to love, was guilt.

That feeling that shouldn't be there. Not even a little. 

I almost yelled at him for it in the middle of a grocery store when I recognized it. His shoulders sagged and he seemed almost broken admitting that he hadn't had his full focus on work, or really anything else since the idea had overtaken him. I told him it was fine and I went on to tell him it was normal, throwing in a joke or two about how the only thing he should feel guilty about was not helping plan the wedding (he is, for the record, just in his own way). 

That guilt however, has stuck with me. Looking back it's a guilt that I have also experienced. For me it comes November 1st and leaves somewhere around December 5th. NaNoWriMo has been a passion of mine for years. But it requires a level of dedication that often rivals anything else I have ever experienced in my life. 

I have apologized to countless people for doing precisely what I love to do. I felt guilty for leaving them behind to follow my passion for the written word. More over I felt guilty for being what many would perceive as selfish. I've never been a selfish person, but during those days I become obsessive and yes, selfish. My story lines become my life. i can feel the words itching to come out. My fingers tap furiously on the keyboard and pile letter after letter creating heaps of words and potential upon an otherwise blank screen. 

That guilt has also been one of the reasons why I stopped writing for a while. 

Yes schedules became crazy, my work shifts flipped, and I received a promotion. I got engaged and my family became a focus while we all lost the patriarch of my fathers side of the family. Health is always a concern, and beyond that there are always excuses. 

Guilt is now in the pile of excuses for me. I can not let that nagging feeling be the reason for putting my dreams to the side. It took seeing it in someone I love to hit that realization for myself. 

So just as I encouraged him to follow his dreams, I'm taking mine back up. Here we go. 

Namaste, 

Jessi

The Path of Continues On

There are certain experiences that provide you with perspective. Then there are still more that provide you with a wall to crash headlong into and then figure out if you've learned anything yet. No perspective that's immediately discernible. Well, that is unless you count the throbbing headache you've got when it's all said and done. 

There also seems to be a decent amount of irony that comes with life. I know, you're probably thinking 'well no sh*t Sherlock, where are you going with this?' Follow me for a moment. 

Within the last two weeks, I've had some personal revelations and some global tragedies effect my life and the lives of my family members. There is nothing that provides you with more needed perspective than having your security questioned and your life thrown so far off track, you can't see the damned thing anymore.

There was no warning. There were no flashing lights or signals. 

The last two weeks have changed me. I've cried openly, I have believed that there is good in strangers, I couldn't take it anymore, and I carried on. I've lost an amazing friend to unnecessary events. My sense security has been compromised. But I carry on. 

The situations have also taught me a lot about myself as well. My capacity to care, my limitations, and my ability to recover. 

I can breathe again. Maybe not easily just yet, but I did pause in the fresh air and simply appreciate that act. 

I will carry on. 

For those of you that do read me regularly, I will be picking my schedule back up this week. Monday, Wednesday and Friday will be new blogs. I will spend the interim building up my reserves of fiction and getting back to the 'me' that I used to know. 

With hope, 

Jessi

To a New Year

The New Year is time for many to start again. For once, this actually includes myself.

In years past, my New Years celebrations have been with some great people, mostly close friends and my younger sister. This year was quite a different experience for me. Not in that there weren’t great people there, because there were! Instead of a bunch of adults kvetching and sending out a giggle into the night to break up the conversation, I spent the night with a little girl (I really should say young lady, I’m sure she’d prefer it) who was keen on making herself known as a young intellectual force in a game of Cranium. She’s bright and has a wonderful future ahead of her. I also spent the night with a new love. He and I rang in the New Year with the celebratory midnight kiss. It was a quiet moment that many people talk about. The world seemed to be shut out for a moment. I felt his lips, his arms around me, and the warmth of the moment. It was, one of the most perfect kisses I have had the pleasure of experiencing.  

Mmmmm..... sugar-y

In the season of new beginnings, the romance is not the only thing that will be changing my life. I’m revamping my writing. This year is the year of finishing for my writing. I’ve started three different novels over the course of the last three years, and I am keen on pushing at least one to completion. I need to get it out there, even if it’s just to get rejection letters. I want to be published before I’m 30 and while I know I am still a few years behind that… time isn’t going to slow down and make it easier on me. Time to get to work.

I’m also working on a fun little side project that I’m fairly intent on showing the world as I go. Once I get the first 15 entries done, I’ll be posting a link. For now, the only clue I’ll give you is Letter #1. See the entry and see if you know. If you’re in Inkwell, you know, so no cheating!

Well.

Now that that’s out there… What are your goals for the year? How did you spend your New Years? Did you find a moment of perfection? Please feel free to write a bit and leave it in the comments section.

Cheers,

Jessi

Letter #1

Dear You,

Sometimes, I wonder where we’re going to be in 10 years. I’ve seen how months can change a relationship. It takes so little to shatter a preciously built world. I hope that this will not be another case of that for either of us. I don’t think that is the case, but… you can’t say never to anything, I’ve found.

It’s kind of funny that I sit and think about the 10 year future, given that for all the wondering… I can’t see anything more than use snuggled up talking quietly at the end of a long day. We’re still there, giggling at the other’s awful jokes and telling the other that it’s really not funny, trying to hide the smile still.  Hands intertwined, watching the Christmas trees’ lights change colors slowly, the room lighting up in a myriad of hues.

The scene is one I hope for. I hope that in so much time, I will still love you the same ways, but in so many new ones too.

With all my love,

Me