A Note From Death

Hello Friends and Future Clients,

Good evening to you. It has come to my attention that many of your mortals are obsessed with the idea of zombies. Not just the arbitrary idea of a few zombies but the idea of a zombie apocalypse. I have to chuckle a bit to myself whenever I overhear a conversation about this particularly –charming- topic.

Would you donate your soulless body to the cause which your soul was forced to watch what awful devastation you unleashed on your fellow humans? Or if it isn’t traditional zombies that come back from the dead, what about the ones that are slowly turned from human to a walking viral onslaught? You do know in those instances there is the possibility that your soul would not be fully removed from your body between the moment of death and reanimation. I doubt you would like being stuck between the material and the immaterial.

Aside from the unpleasant side effects on the material and possibly your souls...

Do you understand how much work or how many departments I would have to dedicate to the clean up left in the wake of something like this? How many millennia have I gone and not done something like this or allowed Fate in her obnoxious schemes to let this sort of catastrophe loose on your world? The answer is countless. You arrogant sons of bitches that think you control everything. Understand there are more powerful forces at work in your lives then just your precious free will. My work will not be compromised in such a ridiculously careless, reckless manner.

As it stands, every death has been foretold and undergone hours of planning despite how fast or careless it may seem to you all on the material. There is no Z-day or any such nonsense because it woud throw all that planning out the window. I have deaths planned well into the 24th century and if you think I’m going to let any departments under my control throw that away you’ve got another thing coming.

I will be the first to admit that initially the zombie apocalypse idea was appealing because at least I could take a small but needed vacation. Only my admissions team would be stressed out and at the time it was only a temporary situation. After another couple hundred years (understand that feels more like a minute when you’ve been around since the dawn of time) I reconsidered after seeing the plagues. This would be yet another plague and quite frankly we have those all the time. You all react the same way to them. Fear, unease, tension that ultimately causes the treatment and a potential cure that negates the whole plan.

Ultimately, death is my art and my existence. If you think for one minute I haven’t mulled over its possibility and already come to a decision about it, you’re wrong. If you are the unwitting mortal that unleashes something like this, you have a whole afterlife of hurt coming your way. I will in fact make you my bitch. And trust me. All you occult minded assholes with no divine spark that think this would be an ideal way to spend your afterlife, you’re wrong. You will not like it.

Respectfully yours,
Death